I know you've gone inpatient now, but maybe this will help when you get out. I've had this kind of reaction to meds before. A move from suicidal thoughts to full on suicidal urges and remember an extreme compulsion to drive my car off a bridge...which was something i had never thought of before. When I got off the meds (after short inpatient and then outpatient), it went away. Hopefully you will be inpatient for just a bit to stabilize and come out with a new plan. It's not you, it's your body reacting to a specific med. It's your body warning you that this is not the one for you. Big hugs, I know it's so very hard.