Here is a question for you all.

My husband is a yeller. I am not. When he is frustrated, he starts yelling, loudly, even publicly. I did not grow up in a household where people yelled. I got in tons of trouble on a regular basis, but I was never yelled at. Instead, I got stern 'talkin'-to's. That's how I manage my anger and frustration -- with a stern talkin-to.

So, even after being together with my husband for over 6 years, I still don't know how to respond when he yells at me.

He yells frequently -- he doesn't handle frustration well, and with all of the depression/anxiety/ADD turmoil he's been through lately, not to mention being unemployed/fired/unemployed/now in school, these have been turbulent times. Not only does he yell, but logic seems to fly out the window and he gets 'stuck' on a particular aspect of the conflict, and won't let go, even after we have voiced the words of resolution -- he'll bring up the same problem several minutes later and it escalates all over again. And it doesn't take much to set him off -- it's usually something unrelated to anything that I did, and I realize it so am not taking it personally, but still, I do not want to be yelled at.

Part of me is mortified because we live in the city and it's guaranteed that our neighbors can hear us. To me, yelling = trashy way of dealing with interpersonal issues.

But more importantly is that it's not a good way of working through problems. We've spent a ton of time in therapy talking about this, and fortunately our T has gotten to see my H's surly side. Neither she nor I know how to level the emotions to the point where we can get him to talk about how to resolve the conflict du jour.

He is well aware that I do not like it when he yells. He is always sorry a few hours after he has lost his temper, and always apologizes and promises not to yell at me again.

So here's my question -- he doesn't seem to have a lot of control over his reaction when he is frustrated. He sometimes throws or breaks things, and several times he's almost killed us by getting angry while driving. I don't know if it's a maturity thing -- he is several years younger than I am, and his reactions to many frustration situations seem very teenager-like to me. But regardless, is this something that someone can EVER overcome? Is he capable of changing this mannerism?

Thanks guys,
LMo