It's my impression that some research suggests that transgenderism is ingrained in some folk's brains...Something hormonal that happens in the womb. Thus, it's nothing to be ashamed about if you're truly transgendered.

I hope you're talking about this with a therapist for, as Thunder Bow pointed out, secrets produce guilt...which causes depression. Have you ever sought out online support groups dealing with this issue? I'm sure there must be some out there in cyberspace. Be good to yourself.