Been on Lamictal for almost a week now. I feel...wonderful. I have not felt this well in years. I'm still not sleeping all that great. But I feel like everything is absolutely perfect. I've been using the word "righteous" an awful lot and I feel this is a fair description.

A friend called me earlier tonight for a Photoshop project. (I'm a former graphic designer even though I'm currently not in the trade.) I had not even opened the program in over a year. But I got the project done in about an hour and a half. It feels amazing to feel like a real artist again. Even if it's only for a few hours.

The trouble is the doubt. After years... over a decade of doubting the validity of every emotion and feeling I have... how do I know that this is real? I mean, what's really real anyway?

Ive been also experiencing some very occasional auditory hallucinations. The other day I heard a man's voice coming from the walls. Terrified me seeing as where I was at the time, on the other side of the wall was my daughter's room. I had a REAL hard time getting to sleep that night. Also at work I keep thinking people are talking to me so I turn around and they're not talking at all. Also the "corner of the eye" visual stuff has been driving me up a wall.

It's conflicting because I really do feel great. More than great... I feel amazing. Too good... almost. And this worries me.

There have been days in the past where I've not felt up or down...just bored. And almost deadened. Like my emotions had felt too much for far too long and I simply was unable to feel anymore. I thought THAT'S what normal would feel like. That's not what this is. I just don't know what this is really.

And the neurotic part of myself is really nervous and scared of unknown things like this.

Also... as a P.S. if this is what "well" feels like, then I clearly have been sick for a very long time.