I am not a happy camper. These past couple weeks have been so hard on me. To start I have been out of work for months, Which has been grating on me more than anyone can imagine. If it's one thing that I was taught growing up, it's "Work for what you want. Period.". Now to have my girlfriend and her mom taking care of me just kills me. I am such a loser that it's not funny. As I sit here writing this, I am listening to my music. Like I do every damn night. When I used to be on drugs, I preferred "uppers". I could do anything. I felt like superman. Nothing could stop me. NOTHING. Now that I've been clean for the past several years, I have been plagued by chronic fatigue, aches and pains, and insomnia. Despite that which is unaccounted for, I have recently found out that I need surgery on both knees and both shoulders. There is no cartilage what-so-ever in them. To get this surgery, I need insurance. To get insurance I need money. To get money I need a job. Just one big vicious circle. The other day me and my girlfriend got into an arguement about what clothing I am uncomfortable with her wearing. She has skirt that is a bit on the short side and one friend she goes out with. Her friend, Charmaine, always tries to pick up guys and leaves Tammy, my girlfriend, alone in these places. All I need is for Tammy to go to one of these places dressed like she wants attention and she will get the wrong kind. I can just see her in the parking lot alone getting ready to go and getting knocked out; ect. I also have some trust issues left over from when she cheated on me. So, the question in my head is "Why would she dress like that unless she was looking to attract someone?". It really bugs me. I also have no car because I have no job. Cripes, I suck major asphalt. My girlfriend's mom doesn't even know about us and that sucks too. Always having to duck, dodge, and hide from her when I want to kiss Tammy (Who I've been with for 6years). I guess I'm just not good enough to be with her or something. I am kind of a bum. Tonight I applied to Wendy's and YumYum's...I didn't want to do fast food again, But hey, I need money. Sometimes I think about this stuff and it gangs up on me, beats me down, and makes me just want to go away...I dunno, I'm a freak. Emotionally Disturbed is my diagnosis. That should say it all. Pretty much, it's a very, very, very severe form of bipolar. Not fun. Sometimes it's entertaining though. I have a slight headache at the moment. I have been getting them quite frequently lately. I refuse to take any pills or any pharmaceuticals in general unless I absolutely must. I also have a huge writer's block. With all of the stuff That i could draw on for inspiration, I can't write. Maybe I'm forcing it. That brings me to my book. (Right-Handed Karmic Sacrice (Just search at buy.com(Woohoo for cheap plugs))) It's not doing well at all, which gets to me. I'm trying my best to cope with all of this mess....But, I guess that's all that's rattling around in my brain right now, I might post more later.

-Michael-

P.S. My digicam broke.