I am rather late catching up with this new forum, but now I have read every post here, and a little bit of the book. I hope that I am not too late to participate in trying out the five steps. I have been so stuck lately (and probably for my whole life), and I am hoping maybe to find some answers here. Feedback would be appreciated, and I'll do my best to accept the feedback. I hope that I'm finally ready to start changing, and I know that nobody can do it for me, or even give me the answers.

This is a very complex problem, and one that I have been stuck in for a very long time, although I think I am seeing the real problem now for the fist time (with help). What I am trying to deal with is the actual ability to engage in the change process. (1) I somehow discredit or disregard feedback and remain stuck, failing to change. 'Constructive' feedback I use to beat myself up with. Positive comments I get rejected too, even if only in my head. Or just plain ignored. (2) hopeless, despair, self-hate. (3) I need to develop the skills to be able to really look at myself accurately and honestly, and to sort out valid perceptions (my own or someone elses) from invalid ones. I need to be able to respond to those observations and do something with them. I need to accept myself where I am even though I am far from having it all together. I need to be able to give myself credit for the positives even though I would like to do better. Developing self-esteem would be a big part of this. (4) I find a way to argue with anything, telling myself that I don't deserve anything good because I'm not good enough and never can be good enough. I convince myself that I should be something other than what I am, and that I should be able to change who I am pretty much instantly, or that I should have done it ages ago, and also that I should not need help with it. I feel that I am worthless if I can't get everything right on the first try, and if someone has to tell me that I didn't get it, then I must be bad/incompetent/worthless .... And if someone pays me a compliment, I find some way to discount it - I had help, or it was an accident that I did something that turned out okay, or it really isn't good enough, or anybody could do it, .... (5) This is the hard part, but there must be a lot of unconscious stuff going on otherwise this wouldn't be so hard. A lot of it is feeling like it really isn't okay to be okay or to be competent, even though I really want to. This comes from my upbringing, as my parents wanted to keep me as a dependent child forever, and that message came across from them a lot. There is also a lot of fear of failure, and also a belief that the only way to be cared about is to be in need of help, so if I did manage to change the stuff that I need to change, nobody would want to help me anymore, or care about me. I'm also afraid of needing too much help and everyone getting tired of it.

Rap