Thanks everyone for the responses. I'm trying not to get hung up on diagnosis or trying to label myself. I just want to figure out why I feel the way I do sometimes. A lot of things can be explained by Major depressive disorder, but there are a few things that cannot that give me frustrations and difficulties.

One of the things that I hate about myself is I find it very hard to see the gray area in people. With most people in my life I see them as all good or bad. I can deal with that most of the time, but it is hard when those feelings arise with my wife. I know rationally I should be somewhere in the middle, but I can seem to find that middle ground.

Most people I keep at arms distance because I don't want to be attached, and I have a tremendous fear of people abandoning me. I would say being alone is the answer, but then when I am I get consumed by my own emptiness and spiral into depression. I feel like it is an emotional paradox. I can't cope with abandonment, but at the same time I have little tolerance for being alone.

These things seem to be to be beyond major depression, and makes me think maybe BPD. I guess it doesn't really matter what diagnosis I have. I have to find ways to cope whatever it is. I guess the diagnosis is more for the T to get a sense of direction and to be able to group people.

I think I am just looking for some sort of balance and a way to feel happy. Whatever that is. I think for most of my life I have felt like I have just existing, and pretty incapable of properly dealing with most of my feelings, so I just push everything down and pretend to as normal as a person can be.