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May 11, 2013, 07:10 AM
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Member Since: Apr 2013
Posts: 39
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pink&grey
Seriously. I just truly realized that I've got issues that most people don't deal with. I have been white knuckling it for a long damn time. Thinking how I felt everyday was my fault, my failure, or due to my circumstances. Getting on a medication that works is showing me an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT WORLD! It's absolutely insane, hopeful, saddening, and exhilarating all at once. I waited years and tried tons of medications - none of them worked. Now I'm here and seeing life as others do. And there is no wonder I wanted to be done with it before. What misery! I'm now realizing what Mentally Ill means. I'm now seeing that I am Mentally Ill. This is such a conflicting realization. On one hand, I have hope for a new life. On the other hand, I'm inherently and deeply flawed & sick! I'm different. I'm "that" person". I'm someone that almost no one could even attempt to understand. This is disturbing.
I'm used to insane - been doing it a long time. But coming to and seeing the insane for what it is is just surreal. Coping. Trying to grasp. But grateful.
Does this make any sense? I may be slightly hypo-M, but in a good way. Usually in the Hypo state I'm an irritable ***** with impulsive crazy ideas. Haha! I can only see this now in light of the medication. Before I really had no idea what was happening. I was in a huge, confusing fog.
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I can totally relate to this post as well.
As a really young child, from about 11 YO I started to have feelings that I was not like everyone else. I even started imitating other children, walking like them, talking like them, just trying to be “normal”. I figured they were “right” and I needed to imitate in order to achieve that. It was noticeable and the adults in my life asked me what I was doing.
As I got older I told myself that everyone probably felt this way and I should stop dwelling on the feeling or I would be abnormal.
From age 18-50 I accomplished much; getting married, buying homes, cars, working 40-50 hours a week and going to school at night to get better jobs. I'd have big hopes and dreams, plenty of energy and then crash and burn and feel like a failure.
The only thing that I knew for sure was that I tried very hard at everything in life but it was all such a struggle. It was impossible not to notice that other people weren’t struggling as much as I did. I felt like I was the hardest worker in the world but still taking three steps forward and two back.
By the time I was 50 or so I was experiencing classic mania and depression and have been hospitalized twice.
Now having this DX and looking back over the years I am torn over how to feel. There are many days where I am grateful to understand why I struggled so much and I can feel happy about how much I accomplished. I wonder if not being labeled helped me to always push forward with minimal limits.
Other days I wish I had been DXed sooner. Life has been so hard and I had been beating myself up over every perceived failure.
At least now I am gentler with myself. Some days I just give myself a big hug and smile for who I now know I am. I am different and it is mental illness but it’s been a life worth living and I am mostly happy with who I am, just as I am.
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