I would go to a T for c-ptsd treatment if the treatment were psychodynamics or psychoanalysis. Instead I get this cognitive crap that provides me with no psychological peace of mind and creates an internal mental battle where I am constantly correcting my thoughts and results in more depression. I should note that the heart meds are needed, in part, to restrain the physical effects of my c-ptsd attacks.

Sadly, I am allergic to all things, so a pet is not an option. I have to settle for a few plants in my dark apartment. I am hoping to get out of this apartment eventually as it is mentally unhealthy. I need sunshine and better ventilation.

I am getting by. I think that is all I can ask for. I am toying with trying Buddhism or Quakerism again. Frankly, I want to leave all things Biblical behind. I am also contemplating re-exploring the ancient Greek myths as a means of finding a better way of living that works for me. I think I am an old soul. Who knows, I may end up studying Zoroastrianism! Ultimately, I think, I will become a cosmotologist and put life in perspective of the planets, galaxies and universe. How small we all are including what seems to be our big (but really mid-sized) planet that we are rapidly destroying. The thing that calms me most is one glass of wine with the taste of the soils the grapes were grown in. It makes me feel planted and an extension of the ground on which I stand. Maybe a satisfying but healthy meal and some music to soothe the mind or that inspires me to dance and celebrate the body a little.