I haven't been posting a lot on here recently and while it has been selfish of me not to try and comfort those having more serious problems than myself, I suppose my decreased need for posting on PC is a good sign with regard to my mental health. I really have been better, but I'm starting to go downhill again it seems.

Some of you may be familiar with my history. I was severely depressed and suicidal a couple of years ago and I have cycled extremely rapidly between depression, hypomania and mixed episodes at various points. Right now I'm on Venlafaxine and Valproate and although I'm much more stable that when I was unmedicated and perfectly content about that, I've also become kind of flat. I don't feel anything. Nothing makes me happy or sad. I just don't care! I have no goal, no ambition, nothing that I wish to achieve, nothing to be afraid of failing at. Life is just stupid and pointless and boring. So much so that I simply don't care about it anymore. I don't care about living but I'm not exactly suicidal either. Not yet anyway. I do have suicidal ideation. My dad has a gun and I sometimes think of taking it and shooting myself in the head, but thinking about how devastated he (and the rest of my family and friends) will be makes me put the idea out of my head. But it keeps coming back and it really is very tempting. It'll save me from this emptiness and nothingness. I'm quite religious though and that's another thing that holds me back. I keep reminding myself that life is a gift from God and He won't be pleased at all if I just throw away his present! I've wondered if the sui thoughts may have been caused by my meds. That is possible, is it not? Specially seeing as my current situation is perfectly normal and satisfactory.

There's another thing. I try to strangle myself with my hands sometimes and in a twisted way I enjoy it. I like the choking and gasping for breath and the pain in my throat. I used to SI quite often but I quit ages ago. Can this be another form of self harm? I don't like it and I don't like myself when I do it. It's really sick! But it's almost as if the monster inside me (that's my name for mental illness) is trying to hurt me and take over my mind.

Things are really infuriating at the moment. There's something raging and storming inside me, but there's also something else that restrains it. It might be the meds or it might be fear or... I don't know. I just don't know.

Thanks for reading guys. I really needed to get that stuff off my chest.