I am really struggling with the thought (and fact) of applying for disability... It scares me. I feel like it will be a death-sentence to the last shred of motivation I have left... I know I can look at it as a means to an end, but what if it is not?

I don't have a job, can't hold one very well, can't get another one since moving across country... I know moving down here has really messed me up emotionally, and I know I need to deal with it. The only way to actually get into one of the intensive programs that may actually help me, I need to either self-pay about $15,000; I need to have private insurance (can't afford that without an income); or get on Medicaid (via disability). It has been suggested more than once that I would ultimately qualify for disability since I cannot work in my field due to triggering... but I'm afraid if I go that route, I not only have to take meds again (long, sordid tale of terrible decompensation), but I have to give up the idea of working in my field all together for at least a year, if not more... I get bursts of energy and sanity, and I think I could really do well working again, but then the depression comes back and it's all shot. I can't even get a job outside of my field because I have left the last few jobs for "medical reasons" and no one wants to deal with that... also, the job market here sucks...
Armed with that knowledge, I know I need to seek intensive treatment for the PTSD and self-harm... I know that those trigger the intense depression, and I can't function reliably when depressed. Only I can't afford anything... and I have no idea how to sign up for state benefits, or how to get onto disability... I would talk to a lawyer, but I don't have money for that. My T is trying to get me some case management, but much of that is mediated by my lack of financial resources... that and I have an amazing ability to sound all together until I completely snap...
That alone should make the idea of being on disability a relief, but really it's just scary... I don't want to fall into a trap of feeling like I can't ever do anything in my field again... I want to go back some day. I want to get my advanced degree... but what if disability is more than temporary? what if the intensive treatment program doesn't work? what if I have to go on a ****-ton of meds again and they make me really bad again? only this time something happens to make that state permanent...? I'm afraid of screwing up the rest of my life, but at the same time I'm screwing it up by not getting the help I need... How do you some to terms with the concept of psychiatric disability? How do you move past it again to keep growing and thriving (start growing and thriving again?)? I told me T all this, but he just tells me to think of it as a means to an end... He says I should look at the benefits of getting it... I'm scared it's really a black hole in disguise and I will never be able to get away from it...