Cherryberry- I think the first step is reaching out for help, which is what you are doing here, so that is something to be proud of. Secondly, self-awareness is extremely important which is seems like you are able to do as well. The more aware you are of what is going on, the better able you will be to get help, whatever that looks like for you. I hear you about living in a small town, so I will not tell you to talk to your doctor, although this can help significantly. All it might take is a little medicine or a change in medicine. With that said though, if you truly feel like you cannot talk to anyone, there is plenty of help that you can get online, on PC in particular, to help you identify and change what is going on. I would encourage you to play close attention to what you feel, when you feel it, and what might be the root cause of it. Harmful thoughts can often times be an effect of underlying feelings. Keep reaching out on PC- it is a great place to start. ((hugs))