I'm sorry, I'm not saying that against anyone here, or anyone at all, really. It was in response to the hotline call I'd just made, which was good in that it was really good to hear/talk with this man again, and I'm kinda glad I chose the number where I knew the people. (I worked there a short time.) But I couldn't get myself to let on how severe the depression is, was hoping it'd kinda lead that way for it to come out, but I was afraid to just blurt it out, and all we really ended up talking about was medicine, which I'm afraid to try the visit until after my car insurance payment, I don't think I'll have enough for both any sooner than in two weeks.
Ok, so I suppose not all of my thoughts make that much sense. I suppose it's not logical to believe every other person on earth has value, but I don't. Well, I hold to the belief that it doesn't make sense to hold to hope that my life will ever be any different from what it's always been - how about the law of nature that says all creation is in a state of decay? Now there's a positive thought - that my life could decay to worse than it is. And someone would probably ask "You're telling me there's never been anything good in your life?" Um... no, though a few curses in blessing's clothes. "But you have a roof over your head, a family and other people who love you, clothes on your back, food in the cupboard." Gee, thanks for being observant. One, the physical needs mean nothing if I feel like crap, and no, I'm not very interested at the moment in practicing thankfulness. Two, my family loves me, but makes life too difficult, especially when it comes to trying to deal with depression.
Anyway, I kinda got on a rant there. And I lost whatever else I was thinking of saying.
So anyway, I'm thinking of calling the number on my insurance card for behaviorial health and finding out what it'd take to see a psychiatrist, and how much it'd cost, because now I'm thinking my premium hasn't been met this year... which could be a very bad thing... see how that goes.