Lately I've begun to cease believing that I have bipolar disorder.

The irony is that these thoughts were sparked after my last visit to my psychiatrist, who is utterly convinced I am bipolar and assured me as such. She is an incredible doctor and I have a lot of faith in her knowledge and understanding, and I regret that I will not be seeing her anymore because she switched locations. However, I feel as though her deduction was based on rather flimsy arguments -- how I did not respond to a slew of antidepressants, how sedating meds would not help me sleep, the switch from severe insomnia to day wasting somnolence at other times, my age of onset, and the complicated duo of depression and anxiety. The only strong piece of evidence was the undeniable bipolar qualities in my biological mom. For a time I really was convinced I was bipolar, I attempted to make sense of it, but I wonder now: Did I just morph my perception of myself to fit?

At the last visit, she interpreted me as being dominated by anxiety that I have mistooken as depression. Over the past year or so I have come to learn and understand exactly that. She explained to me that treatment may not have been working for me because we were focusing too much on depression when the anxiety should have been addressed with greater emphasis. (She suggested Lexapro, more like LexaNO. I am not taking that BS again.)

At that point I thought, maybe this is all anxiety and not bipolar (this is NOT what she suggested). Maybe these 'swings' are a result of the effects of anxiety, going through periods of extreme nervousness to consuming fatigue and unhappiness as a burn out from the anxiety.

I hear so many stories about your guys' mania, and none of it, just none of it really applies to me outside of the anxiety.

I know that our brains are wired differently, but I always had the impression that bipolar was more of a natural anomaly than anxiety. Anxiety disorders make sense on the basis that anxiety is an otherwise survival enhancement characteristic that becomes out of control. I believe anxiety can develop in anyone, but bipolar probably only occurs when there is a certain genetic set up for it. This isn't to say that anxiety and depression are less intense or harmful, however. I know that my anxiety is simply too unreal to be part of any normal spectrum.

I am considering that part of this new mentality could be related to the "everything about me is bullcrap" attitude I have been experiencing lately. I feel like saying I have some illness is ********, that I have to take medication for it is ********, that my actions are completely ********, and I have wasted my past two years living ******** I created. What I feel is definitely not a lie -- a feel crushingly depressed and anxious right now, crying -- but why I feel it, how I perceive it, I just feel like just might be a fabrication that is not getting me anywhere.

I just feel like I can't keep feeding myself pills when I have never completely taken advantage of a healthier life style. Then again, I have at times addressed the issue with great diet and exercise and those never worked ... I am considering having a gluten intolerance test and thyroid levels checked perhaps to rule out those options. I don't know if I have something that meds treat. I also think maybe I truly have 'soft' bipolar interacting with the anxiety and that is why the mood stabilizer seemed to have a therapeutic kick at first. Even then, the lamictal almost seems useless to me now.

I just don't know anymore guys!! So confusing. I don't know what to do. I can't wait to see my new psychiatrist and get his thoughts, I will try to explain all of this to him.

Whatever I am troubled by, just Eff it.