I think faking it is a necessary evil sometimes. Crying historically, or sitting in a corner and zoning out isn't the social norm so we have to fit in the best we can to seem normal, but it takes a toll and a lot of energy to do. I feel so drained. I hate the question people ask me all the time at work, "how are you doing." I just want to say I think life is meaningless and I hate myself, but I don't think anygood would come out of that, so I just say I'm fine. I think we need some enviroment we can express how we truly feel and talk openly about it without backlash or having our feeling invalidated.

I wish I knew how to accomplish this, but it seems like anyone I have ever tried to be open with are supportive and helpful at first and then just get upset because I'm not feeling okay fast enough or they get tired if hearing complian.

I noticed something the other day, I was at the store with my wife, we planned on seeing a movie but she changed her mind and we went to buy a DVD instead. Then she started getting upset that we were browsing too much and she wanted to go. Then when I got upset she told me not too. "please don't get upset is what she said". It made me feel really invalideted. Like I don't have a right to be angry or upset. It's not like I was even yelling or being negative to her, but she didn't want me to express what I felt. I think a lot of people my whole life have done this to me. Neglected how I felt because they didn't care about my feeling.

I wish I knew how to not fake it, but it seems to be the only thing I know how to do. My only hope is a find some meds that make me feel less miserable and that therapy helps me.