So i just saw my dad, I have just calmed down, but i cant stop hysterically crying. Im crying like a baby. I asked my dad "so how did mom like her gifts and flowers?" He said something like, oh she's very upset. In a tone that he used to use when I was a child. I said why? He said well, she's upset because you never called her.
I held it together for those few moments. I just said, well dad, im sorry, but Im afraid to call her. I thought that i was taking the first step by giving gifts, and sending her the flowers. I asked him if she even liked the gifts, he said oh she didnt even open them until Sunday. (like, im not even worth it) I said, oh ok. What about the flowers? He said oh they are very nice.
I told him that I can never do anything right by her. That I'm dammed if I do, and dammed if I don't. I said, she always looks at what others do, but never at what she does. I know he agrees with me, but he as usual, just stays quiet. It's very painful. I literally have no family anymore. I'm like the black sheep now, and no matter what happens this will linger over their heads. He told me not to be afraid to call her, but come on, this is crazy. I even said, you know she missed two recitals of her granddaughter's. He acknowledged it, but I cant figure out whats going through his mind either. I really do give up. Im so tired of wasting my time feeling so bad and hoping that I could get into her good graces again. Things will never be the same. She will always hold this against me now.
I really thought for sure things would be ok by now. I really did. I feel so emotionally whipped, like a beaten down dog. I feel like Ive just been so emotionally abused. Im not saying that I was always a perfect child and teenager, because I wasn't. I didn't do anything bad by taking drugs or even drinking, becasue I think I had more fear of my mother getting in trouble then from anywhere else. But I mean, I was always there. I was always there.
I am so distraught I know I have to pull it together and be strong, but this pain will not leave me. It has been easier to deal with but it comes back so forceful like I feel blown over and cant get up.
You know, I always had the thought in my mind when thinking about my brother's relationship with me, that if he ever saw me drowning in a pool and he needed his shoe tied, he would come over and ask while I was drowning to tie his shoe. I know that sounds silly, but its just something I thought about. Now, I feel like my mom would do the same thing.
Now, what do I do? How on earth do I mentally keep it together? All these bad thoughts about what has gone on in my life with her, and really with the rest of my family dont leave me. I dont want to keep thinking about the past. But how can I help it, when I hear things like this from my dad? The funny thing is, she would deny everything and pretend none of anything I ever said happened. That's just what she does.
My mother will never think she does wrong in any way. SHe never takes responsibility, and she never will. It's so hurtful. I guess Im going to have to learn to live without her. And honestly, I wonder what will happen to my dad and me. I think our realtionship will be strained, since my mother will have his ear even more so now. But I ask again, what do I do now? I was always so used to having my family all my life. How am I going to manage without them? As dysfunctiuonal as they all are, I always felt happy that they were there. NOw, unfortunatley, I guess Im causing the conflicts. Doesn't she have a heart? Doesn't she feel anything for anyone but is she so sellfish she only feels sorry for herself?
I'm sorry for making this a horrible rant. I'm not even sure what I have been typing until I go back and read it.
I just don't know how to handle my life. I feel so out of control. I thought i could approach this hopefully moving forward in a positive way. I see things will never be positive again. I give up. I even said to my dad, she doesnt even care about whats going on with me. He just stays quiet. IT really hurts. It hurts to realize that all that time thinking things were good, that was all fake. Why did she do this to me? What did I ever do. It's like she couldnt wait to see what I was going to do for Mother's day. Almost hoping that I wouldn't call so she has something else on me to bad talk about.