I've been self harming again, after not for 8 years. I don't know why I feel the urge to do it. Most of the time I don't feel any better from it. I just feel the insatiable urge that I deserve to suffer and that I am worthless. I know rationally that is not true, but emotional that is how I feel about myself. I have all this anger towards myself and I don't know why. Last night I cut the words "I HATE U" into my leg. I used to stop myself for my wife and I didn't want to upset her, but I am growing less concerned with her especially after her online affair. I still have constant trust issue with her and I don't think she has stopped her online stuff. I go from loving her to feeling nothing or hating here without much middle ground. It is hard to know how I feel when my feeling go from one spectrum to another.

I think the only thing that stops me from leaving is I know I would probable spiral downward even more if I did. I can't tolerate being alone. I feel such emptiness and immense sadness with there is no one there. Another thing I can't get out of my head is the feeling no one would love me or care about me. Maybe it is just all the self hate making me feel this way.

I question whether I deserve any better and feel like all I have to offer someone is sadness and misery, behind a mask of what I want my feelings and life to be about. Why should anyone care about me, when I don't care about myself?