((((Baker)))) I am sorry you are hurting so much. I can relate. My siblings have my mother's ear, my brother can do no wrong (he sounds a great deal like my brother in terms of his N and selfishness). I also wondered about my father, as well, and thought the same exact things you did / do. I actually tried everything I could to maintain a relationship with him but because of my mother it was impossible. You can only do one-sided for so long. Frankly, being the "black sheep" is a horrible feeling but it also tells you how much dysfunction is present and the dynamics are totally unhealthy - and even deadly.

I also realized no matter what I did, it would never be good enough. In her eyes. And she had the audience of the family to listen to her poor me stuff.

When you are feeling up to it, please go to the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers website and see if any of it resonates for you. It may or may not. It was a lifesaver for me.

You have done nothing wrong. You are not a bad person. You are a lovely, caring, intelligent woman that deserves more. Rose