Do you have any diagnosis? A lot of what you're describing sounds BPD like in my opinion (not a professional)

You have listed a number of reasons that people self harm in your first paragraph. There's a clear imagine in what you ahve written in your leg.

I'm sorryou feel so much self hate and lack of worth. You ARE worth it though. You deserve to be happy and SI free. I hope you can get to the root of your feelings in order to over come them and be happy enough not to SI again.

I'm sorry about your wife, that sucks too