I am new to this, trying to stay sane and seeking support and trying to understand what has happened to my marriage. My wife of 15 years has been diagnosed with BP when she was 17, she never took meds while we were married, first stopped when we had out first child (we have two now). I knew she was BP but I thought I could handle the mood swings, I had not experienced a full blown manic episode until last year.( Hallucinations, dangerous behavior..)
I was never physically abusive, never cheated, always supported my family, worked endless hours, stable job ..all the stuff I thought would make a good husband. On the other hand I was often tired, frustrated and used harsh words against my wife when I felt she was out of line. I had lost a lot of faith and trust after I learned that she had run up a $20,000 credit card without my knowledge. (she was not working, I made less than $60k) I felt justified to control finances and her, because "she" was the problem, I was the "perfect" husband. We often fought, especially when she had alcohol, she got in these "mini manic episodes" (up until I saw a real episode, I thought that was the extend of the disorder).
I thought about leaving, threatend divorce, never even considered counseling, because in my mind it was ALL HER FAULT.
Eventually a visit by my family went sour, she went into a rage, I called the cops- they did not believe me and pretty much told me that they would arrest me if I called them again.(I did not tell them that my wife was bipolar, just stated that she was drunk and I wanted them to calm her down because I did not want our kids to witness the stuff the was doing) Anyway--she kicked me out that night, that was about 18 months ago.
She did not talk to me at all for a while, then agreed to see a counselor with me. The sessions were difficult. She could not look at me. I was horrified to see that she was actually scared of me. I did not understand that because all along I thought she did not care about anything I said to her. Our arguments over the years always followed the same pattern. Something came up, I told her "to get over it", she would drink sometimes, things got out of control, the next day she would feel horrible about what she did or said, I would let her suffer and then eventually things got better and we moved on. I honestly did not listen or care about her problems- afterall I had "real" problems, like job and financial issues, while all she had to do was to raise our kids. ( I am typing this and I hate myself for ever being like that )
With counseling things got better, after a few months I moved back in the house, then things took a 180 degree turn, she yelled profanities at me in front of our kids, told me she wanted me out, lied to her friends (that did not know me at all) about the horrible things I did to her.
I did not know what to do. I loved her. I did not feel any love from her. Our kids were in a bad place. I went to see an attorney. I came back and told her that we can divorce, that I would pay spousal and child support and that she would be fine financially, if thats what she wanted. The idea was that I did not want her to think that she had to stay with someone she hates because of finances. I wanted her to stay with me for me. Things did not get better, she did whatever she wanted, went out with friends I didn't know, talked to men I didn't know, up until that point the lowest point of my life. I followed her one day and saw her walk into an attorneys office. In full panic I filed for divorce that same day, pretty much to "beat her to the punch". (there are legal reasons for that, but I clearly over-reacted)
Then things got bad, I was still living at the house, we did not interact "well". Her anger turned into sleepless nights, staying up on the computer or texting a guy she had met. Things got worse, her family ended up calling the cops on her, she was to my horror arrested on a 5150 and taken to a hospital for a week and was on meds for the first time in 15 years.
She was a mess when she came back. We talked. I had started counseling myself and learned alot about the mistakes I made in the relationship. Things got better. Suddenly we had a romantic relationship. We were boyfriend/girlfriend. I changed the divorce to a legal seperation, we agreed to still go through with it for financial reasons and because I wanted her to be independent from me. Again I did not want her to need me , I wanted her to want me. We went on vacations together and I felt that we were a true loving family for the first time. We had two seperate homes, but we stayed overnight at each others places frequently. I told her that I love her. She said "thank you". About three weeks ago her attorney sent her a draft of the seperation agreement. She shared it with me and it contained some parts that were unacceptable for me. I mean really not possible...anyway. Now we are back at square one or worse. Very little contact, I finally got to talk to her the other day and told her that I don't want a divorce, that I thought we should try counseling, that I love her and miss her. She told me that we never had a single good day in our marriage, I verbally abused her, my family hates her, she does not feel any love for me. I accidently found out that she started talking to another man again. I have not confronted her, afterall we are seperated and sadly it is not really any of my business and I don't want to feed into her paranoia.(At some point in the past she was convinced that I am either a foreign spy or a terrorist---rest assured, I am neither, I work an office job in a large cooperation, if you ever watched the movie "Office Space"--thats's me.
I could write a book about being married with a bipolar sufferer. It's tough. It's sometimes very rewarding. My struggle is that 99% of the reasons my wife hates me are her truth, not mine. I made soooo many mistakes--that would have been a challenge in any relationship, but were made worse due to the "BP-factor". I have corrected most if not all behaviors that contributed to our struggles. My wife has not acknowledged that anything that has happend to us were caused by her own behavior or that her behavior at least contributed to it. I am ok with that--I am a "clean slate kinda guy". I love my wife dearly. I know that staying together will always be a struggle. I want to apply what I have learned and make the best of it. Her family has given up on her. They told me to "give her space, she will come around if she wants to". She broke of contact with everyone who cares about her besides a few friends who I don't have any contact with or I even know. She does not see her counselor or psychiatrist anymore. I am worried she is drifting towards another hard manic episode. I am trying to avoid any triggers, any stress that could cause one. I am staying away. I don't accuse her of anything. I tell her that I love her. I tell her that I am here for her if she wants to talk. For Mother'ss Day I gave her a framed picture of her and our girls, she liked that, I just left it at her front door.
She is a wonderful mom, but my kids have seen her when she was not well, and are very sensitive to any change in behavior. I don't think of myself as "the knight in shining armor", but I do think that I truly love this person. I feel that "we" are bipolar, not her. I feel that we are a great team, when we work together.
I don't know what to do. I am scared of the next episode. I don't want her to get hurt. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want our children to get hurt.
I know what some of you may be thinking, that I am just another abusive co-dependent control freak who can't let go. I was that person. I became that person. I am no longer that person. It did not yield the results that I wanted, so I really turned things around. I know that without BP things would have evolved differently, I just did not know enough about it to make corrections to my own behavior. So right now, today, I need to know what to do. My choices are to continue to pretend that I don't know that she is taling to anohter man and to continue to tell her that I am committed to us and continue to tell her that I love her OR should I limit all contact to stuff related to the children, keep my feelings to myself and give her space and see if she comes back.
Option number three would be to tell my attorney to move forward, finalize the divorce and let her know that she was wrong about me all these years and that I know she has been unfaithful and I am done her abuse, lies, rage and blame --- that is the advice I have been getting from friends, family, counselors.. I know it would possibly trigger anohter episode. I can not hurt the women I love so dearly. I don't believe all is lost. What should I do?