Good afternoon,

I hope you have the patience to read this all the way through. I would really like some helpful constructive advice.

About me. I was married for over 15 years. Got married at 19 to the first girl that let me have sex with her more than once. I mistook that for love. Within a month she cheated. Every time I would get deployed I would come home to another boyfriend. I didn't want to fail at marriage so I stayed. We had a child. She began to use / abuse alcohol and drugs. Infidelity continued. The last straw was my best friend. I filed. I have our son, the house, everything.

2 years past and I found the most amazing sweet woman I've ever known. I truly love this woman with all my heart. I proposed to her a while back and we've been planning our wedding. She never brings up her past but occasionally I can read between the lines and tell she was mentioning an ex. For whatever reason when I make that connection it quite literally makes me ill. It turns my stomach and I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. She's younger than me (5 years) beautiful and let's just say active and comfortable in her sexuality. Shes got experience with men and women. I love her. I know she loves me and wants to be with me and wants to marry me. I know I make her happier than anyone has in the past, she's told me so.

Here's my issue(s). It really does pain me to think about her past. Sometimes depending on what we're talking about it can be very erotic and turn me on. I have very limited sexual experience. I'm not terribly good with the opposite sex, a geek and introvert. I truly care about talking and getting to know someone. I'm very uncomfortable in my own skin. My ex used to berate me constantly so I think that has had some lasting effect. It took a couple of months to start getting comfortable sexually with my now fiance. Back to my issues, it does hurt to hear about it. She never brings it up, I pry and it comes up or I just read between the lines and it makes me sick. The other thing that bothers me is she has a great deal of experience and is amazing in bed. I want her to really open up and get crazy and tell me to do things I've never done before, tell me what she likes and doesnt and do new things. I'm so scared of falling into that rut where it's the same thing every time. I love this woman. The sex is always great but she's holding back. A couple of times she has really opened up and it was so amazing. I've tried subtle hints and she interprets it as complaining. I've never been much about sex but this woman stirs something in me that I can't explain. I want her, I need her, I love her and I want to tell her and show her constantly what she means to me.
My primary concern is how do I keep from hurting when I think about her past? It's real easy to say "just get over it, it was before you". You are absolutely right, it was before me, we are in love, she loves me and I should look past that. I totally agree, but it doesn't make the knot in my stomach go away. The sex stuff is a distant second. I love this woman and if something happened where we couldn't have sex the rest of our lives I would still love and want to marry this woman. She has the best heart.

I know this is rambled and all over the map. I apologize but appreciate any help / advice you can offer.

Thank you