Quote:
Originally Posted by adam_k
I still have constant trust issue with her and I don't think she has stopped her online stuff. I go from loving her to feeling nothing or hating here without much middle ground. It is hard to know how I feel when my feeling go from one spectrum to another.
I think the only thing that stops me from leaving is I know I would probable spiral downward even more if I did. I can't tolerate being alone. I feel such emptiness and immense sadness with there is no one there. Another thing I can't get out of my head is the feeling no one would love me or care about me. Maybe it is just all the self hate making me feel this way.
I question whether I deserve any better and feel like all I have to offer someone is sadness and misery, behind a mask of what I want my feelings and life to be about. Why should anyone care about me, when I don't care about myself?
|
Someone you can't trust - is that what you deserve? No? No wonder you feel bad.
Re your second paragraph above, I remember how much better you felt when you thought about moving out and I think staying with your brother or brother in law. You posted about that previously here. We are all born with no one. We can survive being alone. You can do it, and having a friend as a roommate would help, too. Courage isn't always comfortable, but neither is the rut.
Your third paragraph - yeah, I know what you mean. Feels like that's all I have to offer my husband as well. And yet he cares. Thing is, you can't know if anyone would love you. There are no guarantees in life. You can't be certain, despite all your doubts, that no one would love you. I suspect you could find someone trustworthy who would love you -- but there is the alone gap in between now and then that seems inevitable.
I hate the dark depression and pain such that cutting is a better feeling. Haven't had it in a long time. Wish you the same.