RANT

I'm in this wierd place. Mixed i guess.

I totally f**ked up that SSD psychiatrist's appointment. I don't get it.

I just couldn't verbalize what i'm going through and how I'm effected by it.

And I did too well on his memory and math tests. Alexander,Spain, red, soccer, kangaroo. Random words, supposed to remember, and I did.

He caught me at a wierd time. High-functioning and low. I can remember and recall simple math and related words.

Alexander had a thing with the spanish i think, who like to throw tomatoes which are red and play soccer. Kangaroos are pretty random but I like them, so i remembered that word.

But I look at all the work I'm supposed to do, that I've studied for, and I can't recall formulas or what i've read, none of it makes sense, if it didn't overwhelm me to even open up the books and look at the walls of text on every page.

I feel like I'm useless. Can't get too high or too low. I'm only useful on a certain spot of the manic spectrum.

So yes.... I f**cked it up. Nevermind the thought of working and going to college simultaneously, and how I could never do both without becoming unstable. Not enough time, energy, too much pressure, i want to cry, or hide, or not even go.... "lets just go to bed, sleep will make it all okay. I will wake up a new person, ready to handle anything - I hope."
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QUESTION

I made an appointment to go see my old psychiatrist next wednesday, but I've still got to bring it up to my mom, because she's got the money.

My insurance said it would cost about $25-$50 just for the appointment, not even the meds... I'm just a broke student, so I don't even have a dollar in my bank account...

How do I do that without explaining to her the depths and heights to which I'm going? I really don't want to talk to HER about this. But I know its time to get back on medication, for the moment.