I felt exactly the way you did-- I hated everything about myself and I wanted to change but I felt powerless (like I couldn't change). Then I started talking to counselors and one of them said something that made me think of something that made me feel powerful. I don't remember what it was. But my thinking is if I can feel powerful at one point I must have the ability to feel powerful in me regardless of what I happening in my life, and just because I am not who I want to be right now doesn't mean I won't be someday. I had to give myself time to try and become the person I wanted to be.... take it day by day you know? make little accomplishments everyday. I am not saying I am a hundred percent right now because I am not. But I am no longer feeling like death is my only option. So please give yourself time to become the person you want to become. Realize that powerlessness feeling is just a feeling and you can feel powerful again. Realize that you have to focus on the little changes you make everyday. I will check back here and if you ever want to talk to me maybe you could let me know.... My name is Melissa. Just post-- Melissa I am feeling like... and I will do the best I can to help you though it. (your situation is very similar to mine)