After my husband had that argument with my mother that basically started this whole conflict I haven't stopped thinking about my life. My life with my family. I always kind of brushed the thoughts of what I've been feeling this past month right by. I knew deep down things weren't normal but I kept moving along life thinking this was best for everyone.
To think a little less then two months ago I remember sitting with her in my house while she was here "taking care of me" because I was so ill and thought I was dying. But I remember saying to her, mom life is so precious, and when I'm better can we please do more things together? Like can we just have a mom, daughter, granddaughter night? I just wanted more time in case i get bad news after the baby is born about my health? Oh, she seemed happy about it, but I mean, does she think about these things? Did she ever care? Sure, when I would come back from a doctor, or from the blood lab, or get results, she told me she was on pins and needles and so worried and crying, and so was my dad, but where is she now?
I remember saying how much I wish I could go outside and smell fresh air, and how I was so lucky that i used to be able to do it. She kept reassuring me that I will again someday. She seemed like a mother then. What happened? I mean, how could she just turn so moody like that?
It's hard to think about these things. Hard to think about the good times, which I thought were good times, just life in general with her. But unfortunately, I still have some resentment for my husband. I kind of feel that he started this all. That he is the reason she is staying away. I know in my heart that if she really wanted to be a grown up and be around us she would be, but my mind is always going back to what if my husband never had the argument with her? I would be better off right?
Who knows about what if. I know I need to stop it. I need to live for today. I'm only human I guess. I just have a lot of anger in me still. And it's from my mom, husband, brother, father, everyone.
I just just know how to deal with this about my husband.