Claritytoo, I do not carry a DID diagnosis, just a history of severe dissociation. There is no one else to ask about the stuff out if my awareness... sometimes i wish i did so i could have some better idea what is going on.
I ended up taking to my t tonight, and he made me feel better about what is going on. I still don't think i was describing it correctly, but i think he got some of what i was saying. We were able to come up with the description of dissociation, but to the other side of the *wall* - being on the side that is determined to stay alive and not in the side determined to self-destruct. We came up with a safety plan, and were able to talk about it. That was a huge step for me, since the last time we talked about it, the concept triggered dissociation.
I still feel a little worried about how things are going in my head, but at least he knows my fears. I also have a set of instructions to follow should anything come up to compromise my safety. I still feel like there's heavy-duty stuff going on...