Someone you can't trust - is that what you deserve? No? No wonder you feel bad.

Re your second paragraph above, I remember how much better you felt when you thought about moving out and I think staying with your brother or brother in law. You posted about that previously here. We are all born with no one. We can survive being alone. You can do it, and having a friend as a roommate would help, too. Courage isn't always comfortable, but neither is the rut.

Your third paragraph - yeah, I know what you mean. Feels like that's all I have to offer my husband as well. And yet he cares. Thing is, you can't know if anyone would love you. There are no guarantees in life. You can't be certain, despite all your doubts, that no one would love you. I suspect you could find someone trustworthy who would love you -- but there is the alone gap in between now and then that seems inevitable.

I hate the dark depression and pain such that cutting is a better feeling. Haven't had it in a long time. Wish you the same.