Hey no worries.
I dont mind a bit of theretical talk occasionally. I actually studied stuff like that in my first degree - the ethics of drugs, psychiatric intervention etc etc and how its frequently quite ingorant, even has a political basis - RD Laing, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest etc.

I really dont know what the answer is. It seems part of me is quite formidable, but it doesn't help. I know that what I need is something, someone, some circumstances, that make me feel better. I know - from experience - that once I've got that, other stuff falls into place.

I'll be honest: I think people find me difficult. It saddens me to say this, but for example before this dark phase of 5 years I met a few people who I liked, who could have been buddies, but it just never worked - it never has. It seems I have a lot of baggage from hurt going back to my adolescence - and I dont have the resources to change that. I probably make unconscious demands on people to give me what my parents never did....stuff like that....which I express indirectly. So from my point of view, its a desperate and valid need; from their point of view - I dunno, one semi/friend form 10 years ago said in fact he didnt know why he hadn't contacted me - suggesting, unclear/unconscious stuff going on.

Someone said "invest in loss". Is it in the I Ching? - can't remember. Anyway the point is: what appears to be something that threatens and undermines you may actually be what you (I) need. Which is why I'm being honest about those people - nice, decent people that could have been buddies - didnt feel comfortable with me/whatever.