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Old May 14, 2013, 11:56 PM
bipolarrr10 bipolarrr10 is offline
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Member Since: May 2013
Posts: 5
Quote:
Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse View Post
Long story short, I'm finally going back to work after being out on medical leave of absence for almost 3 weeks. We have had some very challenging times at my assisted living facility over the past few months, and the stress of it finally sent me over the edge into what ladies of a certain vintage used to call a "nervous breakdown".

IOW, I freaked out. Badly. Anxiety attacks so severe that I was eating Ativan tablets like Skittles. I could barely function. Couldn't sit still, couldn't focus, couldn't find my arse with both hands and a traffic cop directing signals. I've had anxiety attacks before, but these were the worst I've ever had in my life. I hid it pretty well from my boss and the staff, mainly due to my inability to be found most of the time (spent a lot of it walking around outside or huddled in the bathroom). Bottom line, I went to my pdoc the Friday after this horrible week and he gave me the choice of either taking time off NOW or going inpatient.

I've settled down now and am pretty much ready to go back (thank you Klonopin and the 2 1/2 weeks enforced 'vacation'). Today I had my follow-up appointment and got my release to return to work, with a few accommodations for my bipolar disorder and anxiety (although he didn't give me an additional dx since he thinks the anxiety is a part of the BP). Of course, now my company will know the whole truth about my illness, and my fear is that they'll somehow use it against me in the future.

Needless to say, this is frightening because I'm almost 55 years old, the economy still stinks, and nobody seems to like hiring older workers, especially not in the nursing profession. It's because our experience forces employers to pay more and we tend to be less physically able to handle the stresses of nursing. Then you throw a mental health problem into the mix, and what you have is a chronically unemployed nurse.

Disability isn't an option; I'm simply not THAT bad off, and I agree with my pdoc that staying home ruminating would only make things worse, not better. But up until recently, I've been quite successful despite having BP, mainly because no one knew about it. I've never made a huge secret of my diagnosis, but only my immediate supervisor and a handful of other managers knew for sure; now everyone in the company hierarchy will know. I can explain away the sudden departure on 'vacation' to my staff and residents (I wasn't feeling well and took some time off to get better---they don't need to know what sort of illness befell me). But here I am, known in my community as a vocal advocate for the mentally ill....and yet I'm ashamed to admit to my superiors that I'm bipolar.

Work is integral to my sense of self; nursing isn't just what I do to pay the bills, it's a huge part of who I am. And I'm afraid of losing that part of me before I'm ready to hang up my stethoscope for good.

If you made it this far through my whiiiiiine, thanks for reading.
if you dont need disabiity then whats the problem? why dont you work harder on it. You think bp 2 is bad ?