Thanks Leed. I think I left a lot of info out of my story. When she left, I didn't even understand that it was depression and neither did she. Even though she kept trying to work things out (for several years), it was like I just didn't care any more. I had no emotions. I'd work on the relationship for a little while and then slip away. The last year was the worst...

Then, a while after she left me, I started being flooded with emotions and went downhill fast and began looking into what was happening. That's when I realized it was depression all along. After years of her trying to fix things and me seeming to not want to or not care about anything- she's too far gone from the relationship to reconcile. Whch is causing serious emotional problems for me now- which as you mentioned- has a great deal to do with the promise we made to each other.

As far as the kids (14 & 16)- we each spend a week at a time with them. And we've told them we're not getting back together. I will have this conversation with them again to be sure that's their understanding. They know I don't want this to be happening and they know that I'm very sad about it. They don't know that I have a disorder that's keeping me from moving on and they definitely haven't seen me at my worst (my weeks away from them)

I'm still in the process of learning about my condition and haven't been evaluated yet. I started with a therapist and will see a nurse practicioner in 2 weeks for evaluation. I think that's been part of my hesitation in talking to them about it- I don't know yet what's going on and if or how I'll get better. Right now it sems like a bottomless pit I've stepped off into.

Sorry for the long post- I was typing while I was thinking it through!