My biggest fear is losing control and crying while working (teaching). It has happened before a couple times, and once it was so awful that I wasn't invited back for the next year.

Today a situation got the best of me. Now that it is the end of the school year we have lots of jobs to do. One is to turn a receipt book that we keep throughout the year used give receipts to children when they bring in money. It is a big deal to keep all of the records straight. When I looked for mine, it was gone, even though I always kept it in the same place. I searched everywhere in my room. The consequences of not turning this in are a report in your personnel file with info. available to all of the administrators. I made the comment that I hoped that the child I have who steals many of my materials hadn't taken it. No one believed me.

Today, I told my class that if anyone found it I would give a monetary reward. Immediately the stealing kid said that it was at his house. He then made up some tale about taking the envelope because he needed paper-he started trying to cover up his confession.

That's the basics of what happened to make me lose it. I still will be "branded" with the county. My principal said that she is the only one who matters with this information, but who knows?

I know that I will just have to live with what happened, and it can be explained if it ever comes up. My real concern is my emotional wellness. I did all that I could to keep it under control. I took an extra klonopin. I did the breathing, the focusing, etc. I managed to make it through the day before crying uncontrollably in my car as well as when I got home. There is only one person at work who knows that I take meds, and she would never suspect that something like this could put me over the edge. She took meds only temporarily because of marriage troubles-quite different.

So here is where I am now. I'm still crying, although now it is just the teary-eyed kind. I took an hour long nap when I got home. I will drink wine tonight. Another thing about my stability is that I have been hearing things that aren't there again. I have always realized in the past that I have made a mistake, This time though, I have had one incident where I was convinced that the situation had occurred. I thought I heard sirens for several minutes, and a few minutes after, I asked my daughter where she thought the sirens went. She said there were no sirens. I thought she was teasing me because I heard them very distinctly. There was another incident where I was sure that my dog was hurt because I thought I heard a dog crying upstairs. Neither of my dogs were up there.

I go to see the new t tomorrow. It will only be our third meeting, so I am not sure if I will be able to share all of this. Also, she will recommend calling my pdoc, as I am sure many of you will, but there is no time during the day tomorrow that I can talk to her privately, and she doesn't work on Fridays.

I am losing control and fearing the worst!

Bluemountains