I would like to touch on the perception issue raised by Kim but with a different angle...

Meds increased my symptoms for different reasons: 1. My perception of myself was different, I now had a negative connotation attached to my identity. 2. While I remember how I praised them in the beginning (both cocktails) I loathed them in the end, because they were a constant reminder of my "defect" and not to mention nightmarish side effects from cocktail 2. Who knows maybe chemically they did make me worse, idk... But I'll try to elaborate;

All of a sudden I went from "wired differently" to "sick" and I believe this helped to increase my instability, I was cycling like crazy. Then I went from decreased volume of episodes to muted, which meant not recognizing myself, my demeanor, my reactions, even my face.

Do you see what I'm saying? Even without being muted in the end, my perception of myself was now very negative. I started thinking of myself as sick, and while this works for some, because the standard medical model is suited to certain personalities, for others it increases symptoms, episodes, cycles. Its counter-productive, as "we" reinforce the illness in a sense. I am not alone in this, that's why I use "we" but do not wish to use names as the member is not online to speak for herself, but am sure there are more like us.

Since quitting the medical model, I am less symptomatic, yes I still swing and cycle, but not as often or as wildly as before when medicated. And I don't analyze every mood or every nuance as symptomatic, and by taking away that magnifying glass, for me atleast, it has now become less of a burden to bear... I am not anxiously awaiting other shoes to drop, I am not constantly on guard. That was wayyy too stressful in itself, and stress + bp don't mix. I believe it is because I changed my perception and reverted to being "wired differently" as opposed to being sick, that I now cycle less and have very few fullblown episodes.

Now I'm not saying quit your meds or hide your head in the sand like an ostrich and pretend bp is a myth, a certain amount of awareness is very helpful. Cold turkey was hell on earth for quite a while on me and I hear tapering's no walk in the park either. But if you could maybe change your mindset to work in conjuction with meds, maybe then you won't feel worse on them...

Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm talking snot, but I thought it worth mentioning anyway