I'm really glad there's at least a few that are understanding me. You don't have to be in my shoes to get it really.

I used to be really active here on PC and been kinda off and on since my first friend here passed away. It's hard to get over that sadness since it affects all inside since he helped all of us. Now though I'm thinking the happier times are being remembered and being here doesn't hurt as it did before.

For me sometimes it's hard to be with others who are struggling because of my personality. I'm a fix-it person. If I see something wrong I want it fixed. I tend to take on others emotions. I think this empathy I have is also a curse since then when I'm told I'm wrong for feeling a certain way I take it very personally then start to second guess myself.

I have a great psychologist who totally helps me get back over to reasonable mind where I function the best. We need to be able to feel again but it's hard to feel without feeling to the nth degree extreme emotions. So right now logic is our safety.

My main alter is my greatest support and has been the one saying for many years that we're not doing well on our own and something needs to give. I've heard the analogy used with different hats for different places. For me we kept putting on the wrong hat for the wrong place. It got worse and worse and now I'm disabled unable to maintain at work. For me to return to working again and support myself, I need to be in my day every day. Other people with DID can and have functioned but I don't know how fair it is if they're raising a family since they can't be present with the kids always. If anyone's raising a family and all over the place like I tend to do, I'd like to know how they do it. Just thinking about that challenge overwhelms me! I had my mother and nieces for four days and I wasn't there but maybe ten hours total? I didn't have a safe place to hide so had to go inside when the stimulation got to be too much. I need to have time to be completely alone and without any stimulation at all every day to be okay with it the rest of the day when I am dealing with other people. But that's just me. I have sensory issues so that's one of my many triggers. The constant noise of the girls really got to me. The repetition of questions got to me. I told the girls several times that I needed my break so I didn't break them. They don't understand of course since they only see me once a year. I snapped quite a bit at them and that's something I was so hoping not to do. I thought they'd understand reason. Reasoning works with the 9 year old. But the 8 year old. . .not so much. Even my own system kept sending out different individuals according to my main and each of them got overwhelmed as well. I have one that is the care taker of the inside children. .. I don't know if she came out or not. I would think she could handle the girls but maybe she can't leave the inside children for long or something? I'm not sure and try not to give my internal world too much thought since the more I think about it the worse I dissociate and the "louder" it gets. It's hard to explain what I perceive as hearing. It's not actual sound it's more like a perception of sound without actually hearing it. . .kinda like when you hear music in your head when a song is stuck in your mind. You're not actually "hearing" but it's definitely there playing over and over again. If I focus on my inside world I space out and am preoccupied with that instead. It's not the dissociation of DID but more the normal dissociation of daydreaming.

Gr3tta my idea of integration is very much like that. I read my main alter's blog and he said that parts have already integrated over the years and it's not that massive horrible thing I thought it would be. I talked to my psychologist about that yesterday. She said we're not doing the serious trauma work yet, we're doing some trauma work but it's the foundation and not the actual building project. Gotta learn healthy coping skills first or trauma work will only re-traumatize and cause new trauma to me and my system. So I guess the PTSD stuff may get worse when we get there but by then I'll be strong enough that it won't affect me in that horrible way I thought. Integration cannot be forced. The others can be silenced but that doesn't mean they're not there. Integration for me is a blending of personality so they become a part of my consciousness and not a part that is there but separate from my consciousness. So far I'm finding that everything I've expected, has not come in that way. So I'm not going to make anymore assumptions. I'm going to let everything be what it is and happen as it comes. This is quite the adventure I do say lol.

Claritytoo - hmm I didn't even make it into my thirties yet and I've fallen really hard. I too have always known that I had . . .well I didn't know they were alternate personalities. . . just I shared my brain space with other people. I thought they were normal. I thought everyone had them. About four years ago??? I asked my mom one day in the car "so what do your voices tell you?". I was just trying to make conversation. She turned and looked at me "what are you talking about?". I was already being somewhat treated for depression by that point. I was struggling so much at work and kept getting reported for stuff I *knew* I didn't do. Since that time I pretty much lived in the psych hospital trying to find out what's wrong. I knew what wasn't wrong but didn't know what could've possibly been going on. I had already been here on PC just cause it was helping me with my personal search. I didn't really fit anywhere. DID kinda fit but I could always reason my way out of it. I have a troubled childhood but nothing comparable to the stories others had. So it couldn't possibly be DID. I've been through soooo many dx's that were constantly changed. Been on anti-psychotics which of course do diddly squat. Over and over again it had been suggested that I should ask about DID by other members here. Including someone that used to be an admin who had to deal with me being triggered. Finally in August was my last psychiatric visit to the hospital and it was in writing very clearly Dissociative Identity Disorder - based on history. I don't understand why though, that I can't go through life like this as long as everyone else I've read about. Most everyone I know here on PC did just fine until middle age hit. . . and here I'm in in my 20s. What's wrong with me and my system? Why is everything so disorderly inside? It's the chaos and disorder within that has me going "okay enough is enough. Something has to give."