Just to conclude this topic...

I couldn't see pdoc on Friday since I got there 10 mins late and he literally refused to see me. He had me rescheduled. I was LIVID coming out there!! I jumped through hoops to see him. I broke a lot of laws and probably knocked off a couple of grandmas on the way but due to traffic on freeway closures I got there late. I even gave a courtesy call notifying him instead of showing up late. Anyway... I showed up after he rejected me over the phone and dropped off my hw along w. the AD/DNR forms. Then I called my T and told her what had happened.

My T has been a great mediator between us and... an hour later Pdoc called me and we chatted for a half an hour. He thought that all this time I was gamey and being vague w. him. I was like... WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!? We resolved the whole trust issue that night and also because he's very impressed with my hw. In addition, I had written him an essay about my experience with depression. So he said that based on my writings he's getting my personality a little and saw how motivated I am.

We didn't fully resolved the whole DNR thing but he said that he'd sign it if I really wanted to, although, he honestly doesn't want to. He just thinks I'm too young for it and afraid I might commit suicide after he signs it. So I said... I want it sign but not by you. I'm in no rush and I respect how you feel about the whole thing. And left it at that.

I see him in a couple of weeks and I'm going to answer his Q about the DNR. I need to explain my reasons w/o sounding suicidal and I just couldn't find the words until now.

I know you all were very confused about this but I'm going to explain as I will explain to my pdoc in 2 weeks....

At 17.5 yrs old I went to the bank and asked if I can open an IRA acct. The teller asked me if I knew what an IRA is. I said, "Why don't you tell me?" He didn't know that 2 yrs previously I went to a bank class and was told that I couldn't be a banker until I hit 18 so I dropped the class. So the teller explain what an IRA is and I said, "I want to open one." He responded, "Aren't you a little young to be thinking about retirement?" So I said,"How old do you think I should start thinking about opening one?" He said,"Most ppl start thinking about it in their 30s or 40s." Then I said,"So... what's wrong with opening one at this age?"

And that's the way I feel about DNR. Just like ppl filling out beneficiary forms, creating wills, buying a burial ground, or in less morbid case... a prenup. I like to be proactive. I've failed so many SI attempts and have come to a conclusion that it's not my time yet. God had let me live for a reason. So.. I self-persevere. But if I were to get in an accident and close to death... I will take it as my time and that my work in life is done. My life is full of sufferings and I wish not to be perserved or resuscitated.

I hope that explains it. Thanks for all of your input! You all have been very helpful.