Part of me wants to hide my emotions, from other people and myself - when they push too hard to make me reveal something, I start crying to hide the emotion (and then to my annoyance they think I'm sad) but then it's also hidden from me. I'm not really sure if doing this is good or bad because I can't access my emotions but part of me says it has to, it's protecting me, and I wouldn't know how to stop doing it anyway. But it never happens with ordinary feelings, like just momentary happiness, jealousy, etc., there has to be a deeper connection between things that creates a deeper kind of emotion.
People have told me it's bad to hide my emotions and I should stop "bottling them up" but I don't know how I would do this. The part of me that makes me hide them is in control of everything, it can make me quiet when I want to explain something about the problem. So more often than not in the psychologist's office I am just sitting there saying nothing even though my head is full of things to say. It also happens with writing, sometimes I have words to write down but that part of me says no you can't. Sometimes it shuts me down before I've even started thinking about what I want to write.
I've never experienced anything traumatic or bad in my life.
The only reason this is even a serious problem is because school requires me to reveal stuff about myself because creative writing (and other stuff that would reveal emotions) is a part of the school's curriculum and I'm required to do that, and when I don't they lower my grade and ask me why I don't do it. And then they did all this testing and said alright we'll use 504 accommodation, which has no noticeable effect for me. It just says I can do the assignments with a tutor or have more time or break it up into smaller pieces to make it easier. I'm seeing 2 different psychologists now. I was seeing another one before (she recommended me to the others) but she didn't help and she seemed to think I was depressed.