I may have been where you are: I called it my doggy-paddling-period. I didn't know where I was, & I had no idea of where I needed to be. A friend paddled alongside in her boat, ready to haul me in if I started sinking or to follow me if I started swimming off in some vague direction.
It was good knowing she was there.
I was depressed ... mostly just empty ... finally I did pull myself up onshore and pondered emptiness for a while.
I'm lots better now. I was physically in bad shape then, needed a med adjustment ... and needed to get through a deep depression, a great loss, and that I had to do it myself. A friend was there, simply with me, letting me know I was worth it.
PC is a good place to work things out.
Take all the time you need. You're worth it.
Roadie