I kind of had a bad day today. Not for any particular reason. Just... that kind of day. So instead of continuing to play the razor blade I have sitting next to my bed, I thought posting on here was probably significantly less destructive.

I'm a bad person. I've done very bad things. I've said too much to friends and feel that I'm nothing but a bother to them. I talk too much about things... over and over and over and over again and I find myself unable to stop it. But when I AM able to stop it, I feel ignored. Like no one really cared to begin with. I struggle with being a pain to everyone I know, but wanting to vent at the exact same time.

It was that kind of day where I feel people are out to get me. Where I see the looks on their faces, that mix of pity and fear and I hate them for it. I'm not a charity case. And I'm sorry that I don't fit your perfect definition of "normal". And yes, I'm sorry that I get paranoid about everything. EVERY****ingTHING. And I'm further sorry that it's getting worse. I know it's getting worse but I have to pretend like it's not. I can't take any more looks. I can't take any more pity... or fear.

No... I have nothing to be so upset about. There's no reason behind crying. There's no reason behind playing with razor blades. This makes it worse. So very much worse.

It's triggered by one word answers. By trying to be nice, by putting myself out there, hoping to all the things holy that if I can at least hear SOME shred of good news from a friend then it will all be ok.

But it's not. I find no solace, and in fact talking with friends makes it worse. Meaningless replies, one word heartless answers that show how little they actually care.

I'm a bother to everyone and have destroyed everything I care about it. In trying to fix things I end up making things worse. It's a terribly vicious cycle that will never have an end, will it?