Hey wantanewme. I'm a freelance writer, have had short stories published and have an MA in creative writing, just to add some credence to my advice. I have some tips for you. I see writing as a craft, not just an art - you can always learn new tricks and techniques.

My advice to you is:

Mind your spelling and grammar. You shouldn't be submitting work with typos in it to agents and there are lots here, mainly issues with upper/lowercase and punctuation. If you're not sure about proofreading, ask a friend or relative to do it.

It's really important to show rather than tell. So rather than saying that someone is into vintage fashion and rides the bus, you might describe their vintage Chanel bag and mention that there are some bus tickets in it.

Here are some examples from your piece where you're telling, not showing:

"I sat in the waiting room for half an hour, and they had failed to call me back." You could show this by talking about a clock or watch, and a receptionist who isn't speaking to you.

"...her appearance was always very grand and put together" - how? What did she wear? How did she do her hair? Was her lipstick perfect?

You do some showing here, but mostly it's a lot of telling.

Lastly, make sure you read agents' submission guidelines. Are you sending an entire manuscript when they want a proposal consisting of three chapters and a synopsis? You would be better off working up a good proposal than sending an entire unsolicited manuscript which will go on the slushpile.

Hope that helps.