Whilst thinking earlier on, several phrases popped into my head. these arent as such questions i am asking for the answers to. call them retorical if you will...

What do you do when your foundations crumble from under your feet?

What do you do when the only person who can repair these foundations is the only person who is destroying them?

What do you do when you fall off track and cant find your way back?

What do you do when you crave positivity, yet the surroundings scream out negativity?

What do you do when you turn to someone for support, only to find nobody there?

What do you do when the day turns to night and no lights guide your way?

What do you do when the only people who should be there for you would rather try to condemn your actions?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Im having a rough time with things right now, and i suppose these are questions i keep asking myself.

Things show no sign of improving. during a heated conversation/row with my dad last night he stood there, looked me in the eyes and said "i dont believe you will EVER be a success in music" then he continued "what do you actually have to make a go of it with, what cards do you have on the table?!" he also told me how he is disapointed with me and that he envies other parents who have "proper" sons. he fails to see the hard work i have invested in over the last few years to keep myself going, he never tells me hes proud of me, or that he understands. just that hes disappointed and almost ashamed.

My Auntie (nans sister) was taken to hospital 2 weeks ago with a very bad chest infection and still isnt better now, and whilst visiting her, my nan (who lives here, 3 hours away from where my auntie lives) also fell ill and was rushed to hospital on friday, turns out she has pnuemonia. she is still there now and it looks like she will be out earliest of thursday, maybe friday if she makes a speedy recovery.

My sister has big arguements with my dad causing a heavy atmosphere in this house. she is still the same, she hasnt changed, doubt she ever will. shame i think.

My dad is still seeking comfort from alcohol. hes been drunk for the past 3 days. he picked a fight with an innocent person saturday. and picked an arguement with me last night. he seems to think all his answers are at the bottom of a lager can or a bottle of wine!

and me...well i seem to be becoming unhappier by the day. feeling so so lonely, and to put it how someone said to me earlier, where do i turn for that reassurance, that love and care, that support? i seem to be a shadow of the person i was a month ago, and all that seems to be happening is me slipping down the slippery slope. it got to the stage last night when i turned to god and prayed. i got on my knees and prayed. i havent done that since my mum was in hospital just before she died 5 and a half years ago. i cannot continue providing support for myself, not at the moment. my music is slipping away, i seem to be disconnected from it right now. if i could have one wish int he whole world, it would be to have a good enough singing voice, and the knowledge that i have it. i know i will go so far with that knowledge. but i know i havent got what it takes. my dad said it all..."what have you got, nothing!" i suppose hes right.

I am missing PC so much, i try to post comments to other peoples threads, but i just cant find any words of encouragement and sometimes it hurts me. i feel selfish for only posting about myself, it isnt how i use to be a couple of months ago. maybe its the cold weather, it always makes me down. i crave the sun, and i detest the cold, rainy days.

Still, i wont give up. i dont know how to. i havent given up yet and i dont intend to either. i just have to keep on plodding along, in the hope that tomorrow, the sun will shine upon me and grant me my wish.

thank you for listening.

simon