thanks... still struggling... taking it a moment at a time, forget day. I have a chance to call my old T later today and will be able to talk about things with her that I can't talk about as comfortably with my new (male) T... I'm hoping that will help... Still just have to make it through the weekend... the urges are crazy... I don't know how to keep from giving in. I could have seen my current T today, but... I don't know. I chose not to bother him with everything. I'm afraid I would spill something that would wind me up in the hospital... just have to make it through to monday... safety plan is still in place... if it wasn't her birthday tomorrow, I would have checked myself in somewhere yesterday when I got rid of one more barrier to picking up si again... but I can't leave her alone with my mom on her birthday... that's the only thing that is keeping me going at the moment. If it's all still this bad on Monday, I will ask my T to help me get in somewhere, even w/o insurance... maybe someone there can help me get state...