I feel like if I could just accept what has been happening in my life and get over the feelings of abandonment, abuse, and loving the wrong people I would not be feeling so down.
I don't post a lot here so no one really knows me.. I just started to feel better and then I got feeling quite down. I have been diagnosed in the past as bipolar, don't know which type. But I have always had more depression and anxiety.
It helps to come here and I need support from others. This could also go in the relationship forum I guess. Its going to sound pathetic, but that's what I think I am being at the moment. I met my husband about 19 years ago. We were married for a long time. He and I both made too many mistakes, but we have a son together. Here's where I sound mixed up. He was abusive to mostly me, and somewhat to our son. It was first cheating, then verbally, then physically. I admit I wasn't perfect but I was not cheating and did not deserve that kind of treatment.
I decided it was really over last summer but tried again to make it work. He always apologized, and said he was sorry. But about 3 months ago, he became so verbally abusive and was obviously lying to me about seeing other women. I know I'm nuts to have stayed with him so long, and gone back to him after he hit me and called me such horrible disgusting names that I can not repeat on here.
But I continue to blame myself for not having tried harder, for not having done this or that, and now I realize I am alone, and I also have some big health problems and our son has learning disabilities.
I don't know what I'm asking for, but maybe some one out there will read this, and please tell me to stop feeling like going back to a man that clearly showed he did not love me. I don't know what is wrong with me. Other than having him as my main friend (I was very isolated) for so long, and so much time spent together, and he will always be my sons dad. We don't talk at all for 3 months because I charged him with telephone harassment and its still in the process. Of course it was way worse than him calling too much, I just never charged him for the things that were worse, because he threatened me not to do that again.
Okay, actually thinking about what I'm saying is putting it in perspective. I don't know why I am still hurting, why do I still care? He is moving on with another woman and it bothers me??
I feel depressed because I am alone with our child, and he is not paying support, not even picking our son up, and I am left alone with all the responsibility.
Just give me a wake up call please, thanks