Thanks Bonnie. I registered and have started to watch the videos.
I saw my dad today. Told him about my latest updates. Mentioned that my daughter has another recital this weekend. The last one until the fall. He said he would come. I said, mom should go for her too, and he replied, "oh well, when you think about it, she says" he was cut off because my husband had called me from the other room. So I just said ok dad, talk to you later. That was that. I'm so glad he was cut off. I don't think I would want to hear how she has gotten to him again. It seemed to me that he was going to say something negative about my husband probably about the argument he had with my mom. I was ready to defend us and tell him how wrong she is, but I just don't even want to care anymore. I don't want the bad, evilness, warped sense of thinking around me.
I do miss things when we were all "happy" but I guess that was just fake happiness.
I think life is so precious, but yet sometimes I think my feelings have become so cold. I know deep down she is sick and I should be more undstamding of that, but when is enough enough? To think I wante to make amends with this woman. It makes me sick. She won't change, I know this. She won't even take a step back and look at the situation. She is happy that she has more negativity to gossip about and now with my brother. She is miserable, and she is alone. It's unfortunate how many time she would talk bad about my dads mother saying she was a miserable woman and that she would die alone because she was so horrible to people.
I just don't want to be a miserable person. I don't want to end up feeling regrets and uncertainty of what I should have done or how I've should have behaved. I want to make things right but I just don't have the energy to do it. I'm kind of stuck. I feel my head runs in many directions and my feelings are all over the place.
Yesterday at my endocronologist appointment I mentioned that I must be crazy because I'm so nervous about everything that is going on with me including family drama. He said to me, "your not crazy, your just narordic" said I also suffer from anxiety attacks and that I really need to start to control them, because its not healthy for me or the baby. I can't help it. It just happens. The shortness of breath, feeling so constricted and the pain begins and not being able to catch my breath. It's horrible. I thought it was related to my heart issues. Ha! It's only gotten worse since the problems developed with my mom. I want to blame her and say look what you've done to me. She would just rip me apart and say its not true.
We have done so much for her and my dad. Where is he to shape her up? Why can't he finally for once stand ground and say look, cut it out. Work these issues out, because this is our family. He just is so controlled by her I guess he can't change his ways either. One day we talk and he will agree with me and then the next I know she has gotten to him because he sings another tune. I mean this is a grown man in his mid 70's.
I need a break I guess. I need to feel in control of my life but I have to stop having this guilt. I really do.