I would not dare to say that I understand how you feel, but I saw my wife have a breakdown, get on meds , get off meds, feel good for a while and now she is heading full steam towards the next breakdown. When she was on meds the dosage and type was not right and she acted and felt like a zombie, it was heartbreaking to watch, those meds are tough and I don't envy anyone having to take them but the alternative might be really dangerous for you. I was married for 15 years and saw ONE full episode and it scared the crap out of me, without getting into too much detail, my wife, kids and I are lucky to be alive. Good luck-- you obviously know that something is not right otherwise you would not have posted here. Take care!!