Im recovering (well trying) from Bulimia, and I have other issues as well. Ive always had these issues, but for some reason, they seem to be really surfacing just this year.. its like their really bad/getting to me. (chronic back pain, ocd, adhd symtoms) It may be due to depression. Ive been prescribed Prozac, and I myself want to start CBT therapy all over again, I couldn't continue and they pretty much removed me from group.. I cant afford to be in an in treatment center and where im from not much is available. Im seeing a dietician now and therapist. Sometimes it feels as if im in this battle alone still.. which is one reason I really wana be back in group. Not only were group sessions therapy in itself, but I know cbt worked well for me. I was doing well, until some life stuff happened that caused me to be very depressed, and that fed into my ED becoming worse. And my health. I spiraled into anorexia. Was starting to do OK, but just this year I started something I havnt done in 2 years- binging.

I need to stop. ive never thrown up- I consider throwing up one of the most unpleasant things and try to avoid it at all costs. I recovered from all the main purging activitys like exercise, abuse of laxatives, sometimes though ill purge in other ways. like starving/restricting, exercising or overworking myself in some way, and sometimes use laxatives and diuretics when I feel needed. But im not really in a binging/purging cycle. Ive been better with feeding myself, and ive been still binging.
I feel, as if its not even the eating disorder sometimes. Ill feel good, and ill stil binge. I know though, part of it has to do with my self estem right now, ive gained weight and I hate it. I looked in the mirror today, and literally MISSED myself- myself before I started binging. My bmi is still considererd underweight.. but ether underweight or normal- I need the binging to stop. Its destroying me and I miss my life. I miss myself. I don't even feel like its ED that's making me binge.. idk what it is. Like I wana hurt myself.. I feel depressed and lack of hope.. im tired of failing. So, I don't even try. I feel like failure is almost a promise so, why try today. I feel like I cant even get back into the game of life right now , or enjoy it cus of the way I feel inside and out, so why try. Its like , I check out of life when I binge. Ill self talk very negatively when I binge and it makes it worse. Lately ive been not listening. I can tell that may be ed, trying to make it worse. I notice when I don't listen to the self talk the binges arnt as bad.
I have many things goin against me right now, but I also have MANY reasons to llive. And I know this, although I cant fully enjoy them right now because of my binging, I know I just need to remove the binging to move forward. (even in the worst of anorxia ya its hard to enjoy life but its not as self defeting as binging. I ddidnt feel like I was purposely hurting myself. I just felt like my ed was hurting me. Now I feel like I am the one whos hurting myself. And its easier to try to eat- and fight ed- than to try to break out of not eating/binging! I think)
today, I easily could have fed myself right, ive been having trouble with only wanting sweets.. I was starving and I could have made the effort to make a real meal for myself, but I displayed no will at all and spent money and fed my body junk. I was fooling myself thinking I could buy cookie dough, and only have SOME of it for dinner. When I went to the store I forgot my wallet too- I bet this was a sign I shouldn't be here! It was a second chance, and I STILL didn't take it. I went home to get my wallet and went right back.

ive treid the out of sight out of mind approach. Apparently this don't work. I tried the "abstiance makes the heart grow fonder " approach, but ive become hooked on foods I shouldn't. So, I kinda stoped this and instead of stalking up on my favorite treat things, ive stalked up on my favorite- better for me things . I wana train myself to want real meals and food. Before I only wanted junk food- I felt it wasn't real food so no real nutrition was goin in me. Now, I don't care wats goin in me I just eat too much of anything.

Im desperate. Please if anyone has any words ...

I think I need the courage to not give up . ive failed at a lot of things and it was the core of my depression, maybe failing at my ed, than the binging, is whats leading me to not even trying..