((((Moon)))),
Thank you so much for your post! It really speaks to me. I say that I am not ashamed of who I am because of this, but I am trying to fake it until I make it, because I am so ashamed. There have been a few threads about this, and I have wanted to post but was frustrated because I didn't have the words to articulate why I was like this, and because of that, I then felt like if I can't explain it, then I must be shameful.

Anyway, this is one example of my experience with my T in regard to neediness. In true form, it is a bit lengthy. My T is away for four weeks. I asked if I could email him while he was gone a few weeks ago, and he said yes. The session before I left, I asked him what I could do if the part of me that is terrified and that consumes me with emotions. He told me to do what I liked, like working on puzzle books, taking a bath (I told him this makes me worse because I ruminate), and things like that. I then told him that felt like he wasn't mentioning that I could email because he was discouraging it, because he didn't want to deal with my emotions. Intellectually, I hate this statement, but it was how I felt whether rational or not, and T always tells me to tell him exactly how I am feeling. I told that it would be better for him to tell me I could email him 100 times because it would reduce my need to do so. I was kind of afraid, I wasn't sure if I could trust myself, but in the end of the session he said, Remember, you CAN email me. (He didn't say 100 times (lol)), but as you said Moon, it made me feel safe, like he is still there if I need him. I have three more weeks to go without a session.

I started out doing great, the last session went well, and I had a few things happen and I really felt happy, and this is something I haven't felt in ages. Over this past week, I went down into my usual abandonment anger/rage/despair, but it didn't have the compelling need to contact my therapist attached to it. During this week, on and off, I have felt the anger (self hatred for being needy) while also feeling the sense that I am okay, and it is like these two parts are fighting but trying to integrate, if that makes sense. I also have felt the sense of happiness about the skies being blue and looking forward to summer. At work, for the first time in ages, I connected with a person emotionally when I told them about a wonderful event that happened in my life that was very emotional for me in a good way.

I am feeling good right now, but there are times where feeling hopeful and good become quite frightful for me, it's like I am going along focusing on my life and I suddenly realize that my safe base isn't near but since I know I can email, it is bearable. This part of me also finds it terrifying to consider being okay, because it feels dangerous to not be on the lookout for danger, this part gets really angry, and this split of anger/okay seems to be an ongoing theme. A tolerable one, but annoying.

I haven't emailed my T. If he had said, "Absolutely no contact," I would be focused on that and I wouldn't be free to work through things. This T has been flexible with his boundaries, and with someone who in the past has had difficulties with them. I am so thankful that he truly listens to what I say I need, and he adapts to me. He doesn't ardently follow a guideline that people with more intense needs require strict boundaries because they aren't being respectful because that isn't always what the patient needs. He doesn't shame me or make me feel like less of a person because of who I am, he helps me understand. He looks at the root of the problem and responds in a manner that will help me heal. As a result, I feel empowered, and I feel good about the work I am doing in therapy and out of therapy. Your post, Moon, was really helpful, thanks for that!