(((((Baker)))) I get it. I truly do. More than you will ever know...your situation is so similar to mine, the feelings you express, the confusion, frustration, hurt, anger ... I have been there. Sometimes I am still there: confused and hurt.

Your feelings are real, they are very valid. It takes time to process everything. I still shake my head sometimes.

My mother talked bad about my father's family, was horrible to her own mother, and my mother was horrible to me. I do not have children. The beauty in all of this growth for you (and I know how much it hurts) is that your children will get to have a different kind of mother ... you (loving, caring, intelligent, kind, good-hearted, supportive). You are giving your children a chance at reality and real, true loving relationships.

One day at a time. Take your feelings as they come. Acknowledge them. They are not good or bad. They are your feelings.

If I may, my T taught me something that was really helpful...when I was feeling really bad and hurting and beating myself up over everything, she asked me to ask myself "what would you say to your best friend? Would you be hard on her like this? Of course not! You would give her a hug, listen, be kind, supportive and caring."

In other words, the negativity you feel about yourself, you learned that about yourself from your mother. It is her voice you hear when you are being hard on yourself. Those tapes.

It is not your truth. It has nothing to do with you, your value or who you really are. You are lovely. You will learn to replace these negative "tapes" with more loving ones to yourself with your T.

Rose