At this risk of ranting on incomprehensibly...

Mentalization when the attachment system is active...

I've been reading about this. I guess I can be fairly 'rationally minded' in the sense of my 'work front' approach to things. Sceptical. Critical (not in a judgemental sense, but more in a questioning / sceptical sense). Thinking of arguments for and against. Weighing pros and cons. Digging out false dichotomies. Removing the judgement and telling a coherant narrative...

When I'm feeling 'okay' or 'good' or 'great' I can tell fairly coherant narratives with thoughts and feelings and past hurts and abuses even. I can think charitably of my abusers and appreciate that they didn't mean to abuse they were doing the best they could. I can feel compassion and sympathy for them while at the same time seeing that what they did wasn't so good because of its effect on me.

But in terms of in the moment relationship dynamics... It all goes out the window. Sigh. When the 'attachment system is active' they say in psychodynamic terminology. When I feel attached to someone. When I care about them. I'm not meaning friends here, though sure I have this with friends too a little... More in particular I'm talking about people I ***REALLY*** care about. If I really really like someone... If I really really care about them... Then things are different.

It is like... Lets say I'm waiting to hear from them. And I know they are busy. Normally I'm fine with understanding my friends can be busy with stuff and thats okay I can accept that while feeling a little sad I can't chat with them or whatever. But if I really really care... Then even though I KNOW they are probably busy I start to feel really intensely scared. They don't like me they hate me they are repulsed by me they wish I would just back off. When the attachment system is active all the abilities to be rational and calm just seem to go out the window.

I have a lot of insecurities. Show emotion and my mother would see a weakness to exploit. To laugh at me. To tell other people in a loud voice how I felt about something and aren't I stupid and lets all have a laugh at Alex. And my Father visibly recoiled from displays of emotion. Avoidant you see. And my Mother would have displays... And she would nut right out at him yelling at him and fists flying and stuff... I try not to be like her... I'm not like her... But parts... Are a lot like her. Internalisations of abusers apparantly. You spend a lot of time around people and of course you start to internalise them.

And in therapy it all gets played out... I was reading something about dynamics... Dynamical roles... Victimiser / Victim, Seducer / Seduced, one more... Dammit... Can't remember. Maybe it is like the drama triangle but this model had 3 aspects with a compliment to each aspect... Victim, persecutor, rescuer. Dammit I wish I had a better memory...

Can't verbalise sometimes. Just kinda throw things out there that can't be said can only be SHOWN in these dynamical ways of inter-relating... Play one role and something is thrown out there...................... Catch.
And caught by surprise............... They do.

And then what are they going to do with it?

(Feel repulsed and recoil?)
(Blame you for manipulating their emotions?)
(Hate you)
(throw up)

Or understand..........
...................And recast.

Please God.