((((Baker)))) I don't think you "inherited" these tapes at all. I think they are all you know because they have been drummed into you all these years. I truly believe they are not you...who you are truly in your spirit and heart.

I think you mentioned at one point that you are similar in nature to your father ... so it is confusing to you how his persona is acceptable to her, yet she cannot stand it in you. My mother is the same way. I could never make sense of it.

I even told her one time that I was good! I was like dad and she was so loving toward him, yet she seemed to be so cruel to me for it. I didn't understand it at all. I also reminded her of her own mother and my sister and how she and my sister were treating me exactly the way she complained her mother and sister treated her ... and that she was continuing.the dysfunction, pain, hurt .... that awful emotional manipulation and abuse. Ganging up on me like that. She had nothing to say to that because she knew I was right.

She always put me down for just being me. Esp when I was trying to assert myself and be my own person. She felt so threatened by it. She couldnt accept it: that I had my own (kind, caring, sweet, creative, sensitive) personality. She would say vicious things to me about it. It wasn't until my uncle (whom I love and respect enormously who had a very close relationship with his mother, who was beloved and respected and adored) told me that I reminded him of her (in all the best ways possible). That was empowering to me because it gave me the opportunity to celebrate me instead of hate myself for it (because I just could not seem to do anything right by my mother).

That sort of validated to me that I was good and if my mother couldnt accept that about me, then eff her. To put me down was to put my beloved grandmother down. And that was unacceptable.

Honey, I am not strong. I just dont want to spend the rest of my life miserable. It has taken me awhile to get here. T, pdoc, dbt, understanding what DoNMs is about, complete separation (no contact) in order for me to get to this point. It has been hard work at times but the payoff is gold. Not feeling so guilty and horrible about myself ... a burden has lifted.

You can do this. It just takes time and a shift in thinking...I am thinking more about my life now and how I wish it to be better, more loving and fulfilling vs. worrying and upset about how this whole thing doesn't even seem to affect her in the least bit and she continues to (apparently) live a "happy, productive, active, fun" life despite the fracture in our relationship. That used to kill me it hurt so much, but now I try to not think about it and focus on me and my life.

One time it even occurred to me, "how in the world could I be worrying about one or two people in the whole wide world? In the grand scheme of things, out of all the millions of people literally, I am focusing on a blip."

I hope this made a bit of sense, honey.

We are here, get it and are supporting you. It is not you. You are NOT her. That is what hurts so much too...wishing you could just change enough or do something "good" enough for her to be kind. Again. And caring. And to pay attention. It really was about you bending over backwards to be with her, though (those happy loving times you recall)

Rose

(Ps, my mother also separated me from her friends and couldnt stand that I had friends that saw through her bs and loved and supported me. She did not like my friends at all. That was very threatening to her. She never even once tried to get to know my fiance. And when he passed away (cancer), she didnt say a word to me about it. Or comfort me or even show the slightest bit of care. She did take advantage of my pain and vulnerability though).