Firstly, my schizoaffective disorder has been really terrible in recent weeks. My mood dipped extremely low in late September, and only got worse. It got to the point I'd stop between classes to bawl my eyes out, and everyone thought I was going to do something rash (however, I never would). On a Friday (forget which one), I got severely manic, dysphoric manic (saw my psychologist last week so he put the name to it), and started hallucinating and becoming delusional while in my Vice Principals office. He freaked out and drove me home, and I spent a lot of money of various drugs and wasted the weekend on a huge drug binge.

The monday back to school I was having terrible whitdrawals - chills, throwing up, headache, pale, sad, etc. I gave a letter to my high risk counselor at school, but she wasn't going to be back until Wednesday. She had asked me to be more open about what had been going on in the last couple months, so I wrote this big long thing explaining the newly developed eating disorder, self-injury issues, some of the hallucinations and delusions, and my feelings in general because I am having trouble communicating in person. Nothing at all in that that implied suicide or intention of hurting someone else, but when she got back Wednesday she refused to listen to me and got a form 1 (Basically means, a quick way to take someone to hospital without their permission), by telling a bunch of people I was going to kill myself and possibly hurt other people. I was arrested, and taken in handcuffs to the local hospital.

The doctor read the note and thought maybe I should be hospitalized but I managed to talk my way out it - at the same time, I was hallucinating pretty badly. I don't know if he noticed but he sent me home with a police escort and I was passed into the care of my best friends parents. 48 hour suicide watch, with 15 minute checks included.

Anyways, since then, the stress has been reeling out of control. I am convinced everyone is trying to put me in the hospital. I check my house multiple times a night to make sure the guy who is going to burn my house down doesn't succeed. Everything looks and feels different... which I can't even explain. I refuse to talk to anyone, because I need to know their alterative motive. I feel like the music I listen to is telling my something, and all the different messages when I listen to multiple songs clogs my brain up. I am always on the verge of an anxiety attack, and I've started asking people to answer their phones, and telling people to stop saying my name.

I can't make decisions anymore. It's so stressful. I can spend hours making a simple decision like what shampoo to use, or whether to eat white bread or brown. It's making my head spin... it's making me ruin some things in my life. It's like there aren't enough hours to finish everything I need to finish because I am too busy trying to make these minimal decisions. I can't keep dealing with this, but I don't know how to stress the severity of it to my doctor, and explain that it's really hurting my productivity.

I'm just not sure what to do. Nobody is helping me.