The depressed are open targets to a wide range of experiences that further deepen the previous feelings of self doubt, low self worth, and generally crappy experiences and feelings.

I went to the bar and had some drinks then got really high, feeling in top of the world, then I had a few too many and I slipped and stumbled and had to be carried to a barstool where I wobbled for awhile then stumbled out to my car and fell asleep with the engine running cause it was cold outside. About 5am some cops came by and....

I felt miserable when I sobered up. This isnt about drinking. This is about things that happen to us and what we do in response and then what happens. We feel worse, not better. We slide down and we keep sliding. When we drink we may not even notice the slide so much. We're 'high' all the time and we dont realize our world slips away. When we dont drink, we are really aware of the world slipping away and we feel pain about the slide but we cant seem to stop it. This is about the minute by minute crappy feelings we feel.

What Ive learned is that wherever we are is where we are. We can be feeling crappy, suicidal, worthless, pathetic, the list goes on. What we need to do, what i have done, is grab one moment, one moment Im breathing, and recognize I feel like crap, complete crap. It hurts, it sucks, I wish it'd go away. But it doesnt.

What I need to do, what I have done, is take that one moment, that one breath, that one solitary second I have to look in the mirror and ask myself why? Why is this happening, why me, why, why, why?

When I am able to freeze time like that, just for a second, I can think about all of my life, all of this world and I can see/feel what a wreck it all seems to be.

This is my moment. Black and white, its all good, or its all bad. I dont stay there. But its a photograph in my mind and what it all really comes down to. Should I live, or should I die?

Something makes me want to live. I know its the chance to take another breath, that the answer is just around the corner if I just take the next step. Or at least, I decide not to for now.

So I breathe, I look in the mirror, and I ask myself one question? How'm I gonna make it?

For me, the answer has been to take my one moment in time and find one eensie teensie mini miny, little mo of a moment and find something positive. Just one thing. I like flowers. I like horses. I like fresh air and sunshine. There. Thats one positive. (Im still learning to count)

Its enough to keep me going one more moment, one more minute, one more hour, one more day. Days become lifetimes.

If this helps anyone Im happy. If it doesnt, ok, keep looking, keep hoping. I care for all of you.